Seafoam's letter

Letter
"I’m writing this letter to get some thoughts on paper that I can’t figure out for myself. It’s something I’d do a lot, back when everything was normal. Hide out in my room and write furiously about whatever was making me upset. It was my way to vent when no one listened.

I’m really an idiot.

Everyone I cared about is gone. My brother, my father, the love of my life. My loneliness made me turn my back on the world. I felt isolated despite being surrounded by others. Drifting.

I’d gone to Possibility again to try to bring him back. Everything in my common sense told me that he wouldn’t come back with me, despite my efforts. I’ve tried so many times, but nothing is working. And yet I still try. Something I learned back at home was that giving up wasn’t an option. I often had to prove myself to make up for my lack of attention, and look at me now. Queen.

The title still makes me sick to my stomach. I never wanted to be queen. We had an heir, and yet I knew he’d screw up somehow.

I was in the market, asking around for him. I knew he lived here, somewhere, but he’d never been dumb enough to reveal where. And then you came along. Looking for your brother. Something about visiting him, nothing I fully registered. RainWing, subdued, tall. I didn’t spend much time looking at RainWings, so of course I hadn’t seen him. But I still came with you, somewhat blindly, to help.

Something drew me to you, something I hadn’t fully been aware of that day. You gave me an escape from reality the weeks we spent together. One could say I grew a soft spot for you. Actually, that’s an understatement. I’m absolutely, head over heels in love with you. I want to tell you someday, but it’s not the right time. Not in the middle of all of this.

It’s too soon. Way too soon. It’s only been a year or so since he died. I have a dragonet. I’m the queen of the Sea Kingdom. It’ll definitely bring my reputation even further down to go pining after a RainWing commoner. And yet, I fell hard for you. I feel absolutely ridiculous, and I hope you’ll never find this stupid letter (at the same time I do, maybe confessing on paper is easier), but my feelings, no matter how much I deny them, never cease to exist.

Figures that I'd fall for the first dragon who gave me a chance of some kind. I’ve only known you for a few weeks, but it feels like it’s been my whole life. Like you were a part of me that I needed to find for myself. It took me so long to recover from everything I’ve been through. I was still in a trance, but the light in your eyes and the way you talked to me like a friend made it seem like everything was alright, or at least that everything would be. In my moment of vulnerability I’d let my guard down, and now, now things are messed up.

One of the reasons my visit to Mako was so delayed was that I wanted to spend every moment with you. I’d just met you, you’re still basically a stranger, and yet your smile made my guts tie themselves in knots.

As Mako probably thinks, I’m a heartless, soulless dragon with no emotions. The thing is, that’s only because I hide them. Inside, I’m broken. Trapped in a web of grief, vengeance, pain, love. Emotions that I don’t even let myself see. I grew up thinking that royals didn’t have time for their personal anguish. I’d call what I’m going through a midlife crisis at the age of 21.

I want to tell you how I feel, let out all my emotions that I’ve been balling up, cry all my held-in tears but I can’t do that. Growing up, venting wasn’t really an option. My parents were distant, my brothers had formed an unconscious alliance between themselves that I wasn't a part of. And confessing, at least to some extent, isn't something I’m great at. I’m so scared.

And three moons, what will the kingdom think? It’s not like you can marry into the throne with me. It’s supposed to be king and queen. They’d never let me take a dragoness, let alone a RainWing. Why can’t I just be normal, love someone who my tribe would actually accept? I’ve considered running, but I wouldn’t sink that low. They need me. There’s no one else in line for the throne, except of course Gentoo, but he’s barely a few months old. I’m thinking too far ahead anyway. I’m a stranger to you.

You, you, you. What am I even doing?

Moons, I’m so, so stupid. Give me a sign, anything, that I’m not wasting my time."